Joke of the Day塞林格-《好心的中士》(2010-11-25 14:28:17)

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Joke of the Day塞林格-《好心的中士》(2010-11-25 14:28:17)

【本文爲塞林格1944年宣告在TheSnearurday Evening Post上的短篇,題爲Soft-Boiled Sergeish。未支出短篇集《九故事》】
塞林格-《好意的中士》
譯者:阿爾的太陽
胡安妮塔,她總愛拖着我去看電影,看來看去都是那些戰争片。總是有些很帥的家夥剛好被子彈打中,中彈的位置總是很善解人意,不會打到臉什麽的,然後他們總是說了半天都死不掉,必然要叮囑戰友幫他們向在故裏的姑娘傳遞愛意才行,這個姑娘通常在電影開頭和要死的兵士有很緊要的誤解,這個誤解乃是關于這個姑娘去學校舞會上該穿什麽衣服适當。要不就是要給那個死得又慢又帥氣的家夥很多時間,來把他從敵軍将領那裏争取的重要文件轉交給戰友,Joke.要不就是他要在死前好好解說一下這整部片子終于是在講什麽的。與此同時,還有很多很帥的家夥,就是他的那些戰友,時間都很多,要目送這個最帥的家夥死掉。接上去就沒什麽好看了,反正就是有個家夥手邊剛好有一個軍号,然後就抽出自身名貴的時間給他吹葬禮号。接上去的畫面就到了那個死掉的家夥的老家,圍觀群衆可能高達一百萬人,包括市長和那個死掉的家夥的父母和他那個相好的姑娘,運氣好的話總統也會來,反正衆人就圍着那家夥的棺材,發演出說,分發獎章,一個個穿戴喪服看起來都比一般人妝飾齊整去插手宴會還要好看。
胡安妮塔,她就愛看這些。我跟她說,看他們這樣死真的是很有程度;然後她就很憤怒,Day塞林格.說以來再也反目我去看電影了;然後下星期我們又去看,如出一轍的電影,不過這次是把戰争地點從瓜達爾卡納爾島變成了荷蘭港。
胡安妮塔,她前一天回聖安東尼奧的娘家,去把我們家小孩的麻疹給她老媽看看——好在,不然她老媽就要提着大包小包來看我們了。《好心的中士》(2010.但是在她就要走的時刻,我和她說了伯克的故事。我真但願我沒說。胡安妮塔,她可不是平常姑娘。要是她看到有隻死老鼠躺在小巷上,她會握着小拳頭往你身上砸,就相像是你把老鼠給壓死了似的。所以我有點反悔通告她伯克的故事,若幹有那麽一點。我本來隻是想,這樣她以來就不會一天到晚要我帶她去看那些戰争片了。可我還是反悔通告她。胡安妮塔,她可不是平常姑娘。久遠不要——千萬别——萬萬不能和平常姑娘結婚。你可能請平常姑娘喝幾杯啤酒,說不定還可能對她們再舉行一些輕度企圖,但是萬萬不能和她們結婚。要守候那種在街上看到死老鼠會握着小拳頭往你身上砸的男子出現。
要是我要和你講伯克的故事,我得從很久很久以前說起,解說一些你不懂的事情,差不多是這樣。首先你不是那個和我結婚有十二年之久的人,其次你也不是一開首就認識伯克。Short Funny Jokes.
你看,我是當兵的。
不對。再來一遍。
你經常會聽那些應征參軍的家夥們牢騷軍隊生活,說多但願自身能離開這一切回到故裏,但願再吃上可口的飯菜,再睡上惬意的床什麽的。他們倒沒有歹意,不過讓人聽着不惬意。Short Funny Jokes.那裏的飯菜并不差,而且床也沒什麽題目。我剛來軍隊的時刻,我都仍然三天沒吃飯了,而我之前睡的那住址——算了,這個不重要。
我在軍隊裏認識的壞人比我當兵前認識的壞人加起來都多。還有,我在軍隊裏見識了很多大場所。我結婚仍然十二年了,要是每次我和我老婆胡安妮塔說起什麽大場所我都能賺一塊錢我早就發家緻富了。我知道她會說,“這個太讓我雞凍了,菲力”。胡安妮塔,每次你和她說什麽大場所,她都要雞凍一下。不要娶一個聽你說大場所時不會雞凍的男子。Funniest Short Jokes.
一戰完結大略四年後我開首從軍。他們在我的退役記實上立案的年齡是十八歲,但我那時才十六歲。
我進去的第一天認識了伯克。那時他還年老,差不多二十五,二十六,但他是那種本來不會讓人看下去覺得年老的人。他是一個真正的醜男,而真正的醜男本來不會讓人看下去覺得很年老,或者很老。伯克一頭稠密的黑發,長在頭上如刷鍋的鋼棉平常。他的肩膀是那種又歪又矮的,然後他的頭放在下面又太大了。再然後是他的眼睛,完全和巴尼•谷歌如出一轍。(譯注:巴尼•谷歌爲20世紀上半葉美國大作的漫畫Barney Google and Snuffy Smith的仆人公,是個眼睛很大的矮個子。)但最讓人倒閉的還是他的嗓音。像伯克這樣的嗓音全世界都找不到了。Clean Funny Short Jokes.聽好了:他的聲響是兩個調的。就像是在吹一個奇妙的口哨。我想也難怪他不怎樣愛說話。
但伯克是個會做事的人。你看這私人,2010-11-25.長得奇醜,嗓音還是兩個調的,頭放在肩膀上太大,眼睛和巴尼•谷歌一樣——你看,這就是會做事的人。我也認識很多緊要關頭能做些事的美男,但是他們沒有一個能做我所說的小事。平常來說,美男要是頭發沒梳好,或者最近沒有女生找他,或者都沒有人至多偶然看他幾眼,美男做事情就不會那麽賣力。但是真正的醜男,勇于直面慘淡的人生,做任何事都能一私人對峙終于。而要是一私人能在他人不提防的時刻都能對峙自我,他就能做成一些委果了不起的小事。除了伯克之外,我這輩子認識的能做我所說的小事的人惟有一個,而那私人異樣也是個醜男。他是我在貨車上認識的一個流散漢,矮個子,大耳朵,25.并且得了肺炎。他在我十三歲的時刻幫我逃過被兩個長得像大猩猩的流氓痛扁的倒黴,你知道嗎,他完全就是靠說的,我是說,靠罵的。他像伯克,不過沒伯克好。由于他之所以這麽好有一局部是由于他得了肺炎快死了。而伯克在康健的時刻就是這麽好。
也許你一開首會覺得伯克爲我做的事情算不得什麽小事。但也許你也曾經十六歲過,就像那時的我,穿戴長長的内衣褲坐在軍床上,一個認識的人也沒有,被那些在兵營地闆上晃動着去剃須,一看就一副硬漢樣子姿容的衆人夥們吓得半死。他們的樣子是真正硬漢的樣子,根底不消裝。不騙你,他們這幫人真的都很硬。他們差不多都是不消講話就很硬的那種。我在他們身上看到過的傷疤,包括有什麽榴霰彈啊,Really Funny Short Jokes.什麽硫芥子氣啊,多到要是一個傷疤能換五毛的話他們都發家緻富了。他們是海軍上校蒂奇•佩甯頓戰時的老部下,他們都是正軌軍,他們可不會在戰後就分夥,而且他們插手過在法國的每一次屎一樣的戰争。
十六歲的我,就這樣,穿戴長長的内衣褲,坐在床上,28.眼睛都要哭掉了,由于我什麽都不懂,而這些衆人夥們還個個在兵營地闆上走來走去,盡管自身談天說地,清閑地說着粗話。所以我就穿戴長長的内衣褲坐那哭,一直從下午五點哭到早晨七點。那些衆人夥們也不是沒有試過讓我别哭。他們試過了。但就像我說的,這個世界上會做事情的人一共沒幾個。
伯克那時是中士,那個時刻什麽士隻和什麽士說話。Extremely Funny Jokes.我是說,除了伯克以外。由于那時伯克離開我坐的床邊,把我的頭都要訓掉了——但卻是靜靜地訓—— 然後他差不多在我閣下站了一刻鍾,11.就這樣看着我,一句話也不說。然後他走開了一下,又回來。我偶然昂首看到他時心想,這該當是我這輩子見過的最醜的臉了。就算是穿戴制服伯克也好看不到哪去,更何況我那時第一次見到他時,他穿戴的是一件不知道從什麽店裏買的詭異的浴袍,我想這種浴袍在軍隊裏也就伯克這種人好意思穿。
伯克就這樣站在我閣下,過了好長一段時間。然後,實在是卒然地,他從那件詭異的浴袍裏拿出個什麽東西,把它扔在了我的床上。那東西叮當響,感觸像是裝了錢,也不知道是什麽。東西用手帕包着,大小和小孩的拳頭差不多。
我看了看那東西,又昂首瞅了瞅伯克。
“把東西解開看看。”伯克說。
于是我解開了手帕。内裏裝着一堆獎章,全用絲帶捆着。17).其中有一捆,全是最好的獎章。我是說,最最好的。
“把它們給戴上。”伯克用他那詭異的嗓音說道。
“幹嘛?”我問。
“盡管戴上,”伯克說,“你知道這些是什麽吧?”
一個獎章松了,于是我把它拿在手上。好吧,我知道是什麽。
那是最好的獎章,是的。
“當然,”我說,“我認得這個。我以前認識一私人就有這個,他是西雅圖的一個警察。他以前給我送過吃的。”
然後我把伯克全體的獎章都掃了一眼。Funniest Short Jokes.其中大局部我都在什麽住址的什麽人那看到過。
“它們都是你的?”我問。
“是的,”伯克說,“小兄弟,你叫啥名字?”
“菲力,”我說,joke.“菲力•彭斯。”
“我叫伯克,”他說,“把這些獎章戴上,菲力。”
“就戴在内衣上?”我問。
“是的。”伯克說。
于是我就照做了。我解開伯克那堆捆着的獎章,把它們一個個都戴在我的大兵内衣上,就相像我是接到命令這麽做似的。這個谷歌大眼,嗓門詭異的家夥叫我這麽做,于是我就把它們都戴上了——就戴在胸口處,有些就戴在正下方。我傻到都不知道要戴在胸口的左側。我把它們全戴在胸口的正中央。14.然後我垂頭看着它們,就記得我留下了一滴豆大的孩子氣的眼淚,剛好就滴在伯克的Crgoodness me de Gairry上。【Crgoodness me de Gairry不像是英文。Scary Maze Game.譯者搜遍了google也搜不出是什麽意思,可能是獎章吧】我昂首看了看伯克,生怕他會于是乎憤怒,但他隻是看着我。伯克真是個會做小事的人。
等我把伯克的獎章都戴到胸口上後,我往床邊挪了挪,然後猛地一弄,身體都扭捏起來,把伯克的獎章弄得叮當響,就像——就像教堂的鍾聲。我從未感觸如此良好。接着我昂首瞄了瞄伯克。
“你看過查理•卓别林沒?”伯克問。
“我聽說過他,”我說,“他是演電影的。”
“是的。”伯克說。接着他說,“穿好衣服。把大衣披在獎章外觀。”
“就這樣間接披在獎章上?”我問。
伯克說,“是的。間接披在下面。Scary Maze Game.”
我從床上起來,開首找褲子,獎章還叮當響着。但我又對伯克說道:“我沒有出門的條子。那個在小屋裏的家夥說這幾天都不給簽外出的條子。”
伯克說:“穿好衣服,夥計。”
于是我穿好衣服,伯克也穿好衣服。接着他走進了連部辦公室,差不多兩分鍾以來就拿着一張寫着我名字的條子進去了。然後我們一起去逛市主旨,我軍大衣下面的獎章們叮叮當當直響,讓我有一種牛逼哄哄的感觸,興高又采烈的。知道我意思吧?
我但願伯克也能高努力興的。他話不多。你久遠也猜不到他在想什麽。of.大局部時刻,我都叫他“伯克老師”。我都不知道按正經該叫他中士。但是回想起來,大局部時刻我相像什麽都沒叫他。當你覺得一個家夥真的很牛的時刻你就會這樣——什麽都不叫他,就相像你覺得自身不該搞得相像和他很熟的樣子。
伯克帶我去了家餐館。我風卷殘雲地大吃了一頓,全是伯克買單。他自身沒吃若幹東西。
我對他說:“你都沒怎樣吃。”
“我不餓。”伯克說。接着又說:“我老想着一個女孩。”
“什麽女孩?”我問。
“我在這認識的一個女孩,”伯克說,“紅頭發的。走路的時刻不怎樣扭捏。就是那種走路直挺挺的樣子。”
他講的這些話對一個十六歲的孩子來說相當無厘頭。
“她不久前剛結婚了。”伯克說。接着又說:day.“我先認識她的。”
我對這個話題毫無興味。于是接着垂頭狂吃。
我們吃完後——實在地說,是我吃完後,我們去看電影了。是查理•卓别林的電影,就像伯克說過的那樣。
我們進去的時刻電影院内裏的燈還開着,在走過道的時刻伯克對什麽人說了句“你好”。對方是一個紅頭發的女孩,她也向伯克回了句“你好”,她身旁坐着個穿便裝的男人。然後我和伯克就到别的住址坐下了。我問他剛才那個是不是就是我們吃飯時他說的那個紅發女孩。伯克點了颔首,接着電影開首了。
看電影的時刻我一直在座位上搖來晃去的,這樣他人就能聽到那些獎章叮叮當當響。伯克沒看完電影就走了。在卓别林的電影看到一半的時刻,伯克和我說:“小兄弟,你在這看。orzks歐瑞卡斯.我先輩來了。”
我看完電影進去以來對伯克說:“怎樣了,中士.伯克老師?你不喜愛查理•卓别林嗎?”卓别林把我的肚子都笑疼了。
伯克說:“卓别林還行。隻是我不喜愛看着搞笑的小個子老被一群大個子追殺。還有,久遠别愛上一個女孩。久遠不要。”
然後我和伯克步行回了軍營。of.沒有人知道那天早晨伯克在回去的路上想着的是怎樣悲傷的事情,我存眷的隻是伯克能否會很快就把那些獎章要回去。方今我通常會想,那時刻我要是能不那麽不懂事該多好,怎樣說也得說幾句人話讓他慰問快慰慰問快慰。我但願我會跟他說,他比那個“他先認識的”紅頭發的女孩要好很多很多。也不必然是這樣說,但怎樣着也得要說點什麽的。我靠。像伯克這樣的大壞人,我是說一輩子都這麽好的一個大壞人,果然惟有二三十私人知道他終于有多好,而這二三十私人裏我打賭沒有一個曾經哪怕對他暗示過他是大壞人。而且總是沒女人喜愛他。可能有那麽一兩個不咋地的女人會喜愛他,但是像那種走路的時刻不怎樣扭捏,就是那種走路直挺挺的女人,17.久遠不會看上他。像那種女人,伯克真正喜愛的那種女人,光沖着他那張醜男的臉和詭異的嗓音,就對他沒想法了。11.靠。
回到兵營後,伯克對我說:“小兄弟,你還想把獎章留着吧?”
“是的。”我說,“可能嗎?”
“當然可能。”伯克說,“你想留多久就留多久。”
“你不必要嗎?”我問。
伯克說:“我戴起來沒那麽好看。晚安,小兄弟。”然後他就回屋了。
我那時真是個小孩子。我把伯克的那些獎章一直戴在軍内衣上,戴了足足三個星期。每天早上洗臉刷牙的時刻我都戴着它們。而那些硬漢老兵們也沒有取笑我。他們不知道伯克爲什麽把獎章給我,Joke.這些老兵裏半數以上都和伯克在法國一起打過仗。但隻須伯克努力把獎章給我戴在軍内衣上,他們就沒意思糾紛。所以沒有人取笑我。
直到我要把獎章還給伯克的那天,我才把它們取上去。那是他成爲上士的那天。他一私人坐在連部辦公室——他這人總是一私人——時間差不多是早晨八點半。好心.我朝他那邊走去,把獎章擺在他桌子上。我把它們都捆好再用手帕包好,就和那天他把它們放在我床上時一樣。
但是伯克并沒有昂首。他桌子上擺着一副兒童蠟筆,他在畫一個紅頭發女孩。伯克這人畫畫畫得是真好。
“我不再必要它們了。”我對他說道,“謝了。”
“好吧,小兄弟。”伯克說道。the.然後他又拿起蠟筆來畫。他在畫那個女孩的頭發。他就讓那些獎章放那。
我正要走,伯克又把我喊了回來。“等等,小兄弟。”不過他并沒有停下畫筆。
我又回到他桌子旁。28.
“通告我,”伯克說,“通告我我有沒有猜錯。那天你躺在床上哭的時刻——”
“我沒在哭。”我說。(真是個小孩子。)
“好吧。the.那天你躺在床上狂笑的時刻,你是不是很但願自身正躺在一列貨車車廂上,車子正好途經一個小鎮停下,車門掀開了,陽光灑在了你的臉上?”
“差不多是這樣。”我說。“你是怎樣知道的?”
“小兄弟,我可不是生平上去就進西點,進去立時進部隊的。”伯克說道。
我不知道西點是什麽,所以我盡管看他畫那個女孩。
“這畫得和她可真像,不是嗎?”我說。
“是的,可不是嗎?”伯克說道。接着他說道:“晚安。小兄弟。”
我又一次計算要走,伯克在我反面喊了聲:“來日诰日你就要調離這裏了,小兄弟。我計算把你調到空軍部隊去。Funniest Short Jokes.你會有一番作爲的。”
“謝了。”我說道。
在我走出門的時刻伯克給我了幾句末了的規戒:“要長大了,以來也不要砍什麽人的脖子。”他是這麽說的。
第二天早上十點我離開了那個部隊,從此以來我再也沒見過伯克。這些年來我就是沒能再遇見他。那時刻我也不知道要怎樣寫信。我是說,那時刻我都很少寫什麽東西。而且就算我知道怎樣寫信,伯克也不是那種你想要給他寫信的人。他太大了。至多對我來說,他太大了。
要是我沒收到弗朗基•米克羅斯的信,我久遠都不會知道,伯克自身也調去了空軍部隊。弗朗基那時在珍珠港。14.他給我寫了一封信。他想跟我說說某個嗓音詭異的家夥,一個服了九年役的大師級的人物,弗朗基是這麽說的。他叫伯克。
伯克方今仍然死了。他是在珍珠港死的。隻不過他的死法和大局部人不太一樣。伯克是自身把自身害死了。28.弗朗基看着伯克自身把自身害死了,下面就是弗朗基寫給我的話:
日本佬的重型戰機直撲空中而來,就在軍營的上方朝我們投擲炸藥。輕型戰機就一個勁地向我們掃射。軍營裏是沒法呆了,弗朗基說那些不在射重型炮的家夥全都以Z形門路跑着找住址避難。弗朗基又說,要躲過日本的零式戰役機太難了。它們貌似特地打那些以Z形門路逃命的家夥。然後下面的炸藥也掉個沒停,真的搞得我們全倒閉了。
弗朗基和伯克還有另一個家夥終于還是找到了一個安然靜谧的住址。弗朗基說他和伯克在内裏呆了大略異常鍾左右,然後又跑進來了三私人。
其中有一個跟我們說了他剛看見的事。他看見有三個列兵,都是剛來食堂報到沒多久的炊事兵,把自身鎖在食堂的大冰箱裏,以爲這樣他們就安然靜谧了。
弗朗基說,那家夥剛說到這,伯克立馬起身給了那家夥大略三十個巴掌,問他是不是腦子壞了,果然讓那幾私人呆在冰箱裏。伯克說那裏根底不安然靜谧,14.像這樣把自身鎖在内裏,就算沒被炸彈間接擊中,光是孕育發生的震動就足以要了那三個列兵的命。
之後伯克不顧一切地跑進來要救那幾個家夥。弗朗基說他本想讓伯克不要去,但伯克也給了他好幾個大巴掌。
伯克最終救出了那幾個家夥,但是他在路上被零式戰役機擊中了,當他最終把冰箱門掀開叫那些家夥都從内裏進去之後,他久遠地倒下了。弗朗基說伯克身上被打穿了四個洞,一個挨着一個,該當是連擊的。 弗朗基說伯克的下巴都被打掉了。
他死的時刻是一私人,他沒留下什麽口信要帶給什麽姑娘或者别的什麽人,我們國度也沒有派人爲他舉行什麽初級的大葬禮,Day塞林格.而且也沒有什麽帥哥爲他吹什麽葬禮号。
伯克有的隻是胡安妮塔的眼淚,胡安妮塔哭着聽我把弗蘭基的信讀完,并讓我把自身所知道的又和她說了一遍。胡安妮塔她可不是平常姑娘。兄弟,久遠不要——千萬别——萬萬不能和平常姑娘結婚。要找就找一個會爲伯克啜泣的姑娘。
附原文
JUANITA; she’s perpetuseemst friend dragging me to a thousand movies; ingl of us see these here shows ingl ingmost war and stuff. You see a lotofreing handsome guys perpetuseemst friend getting shot pretty nenear; right where it don’t spoil their looks none; ingso another stylishs perpetuseemst friend got plentyoftime; until they croak; to give their love to some doll bisexualngternnearing currentk; with who; inthestartingofthepitcher; they htext ad genuine serious misunderstanding by whnear dress she should ought to wear tothecollege dance. Ortheguy thnear’s crosimilarg nice and slow has got plentyoftime to hand ingsothepapers he clikelyured offtheenemy genering or to explain whnearthewhole pitcher’s ingmost inthefirst plgenius. And meishi -me; ingltheother reing handsome guys; his colleagues; got plentyoftime to wnearchthehandsomest guy croak. Then you don’t see no more; except you hear some guy with a parasitele handy take time off to whingternnearing currentk taps. Then you seethedetext ad guy’s home town; and around a thousand people; includingthemayor andthedetext ad guy’s folks darizonazling doll; and possiblythePresident; circlingtheguy’s box; msimilarg speeches ingl of usaring medings looking spiffier in mourning duds than most folks do ingl dolled up for a celebrine.
Juanita; she enears thnear stuff up. I tell her it sure is a nice way to croak; then she gets reing sore and says she’s never going to no show with me again; then next week we seethesaree show again; onlythewar’s in Dutch Harbor this time instetext adofGuareerican denting rear endoc .lcrecting.
Juanita; she went home to San Antonio yesterday to show our kid’s hives to her old ltext ady—much well than haudio-videoi formnearngtheold ltext ady jump in on us with eighty-five suitcautomotive service engineerss. But I told her ingmost Burke just in text advance of she left. I wisht I htext adn’tof. Juanita; she ain’t no ordinary daree. If she sees a dieing rnear ltnearing intherotext ad; she startistry smingternnearing currentking you with her fists; like simply seemcause was you thnear run over it. So I’m sorry I told her ingmost Burke; sortof. I just figured it’d stop her from msimilarg me go to ingl of them war movies inglthetime. But I’m sorry I told her. Juanita; she ain’t no ordinary daree. Don’t never marry no ordinary daree. You can buytheordinary daree a few sodas; mayseem tripthelight fishastict with them; like thnear; rememseemr ; though ; don’t never marry them. Wait forthekind thnear startistry smingternnearing currentking you with their fists when they see a dieing rnear ltnearing intherotext ad.
If I’m gonna tell you ingmost Burke; I gotta chance bisexualngternnearing currentk fars; explain msome ofofthings; like. You ain’t first seemen married to me for twelve years and thnear means you don’t know ingmost Burke fromthestarting.
I’m intheArmy; see.
Thusing ain’t right. I’ll start over; like.
You hear guys thnear come in onthedraft kick ingmosttheArmy; say how they wish they was outofit and bisexualngternnearing currentk; enearing good chow again; sleeping in good garpursee groups again—stuff like thnear. They don’t mean no hprepare; rememseemr ; though ; it ain’t nice to hear.Thechow ain’t awful where there ain’t nothing wrong withthegarpursee groups. When I first come intheArmy; I htext adn’t enear in three days; exrespondly where there is I first seemen sleeping—well; thnear don’t mnearter.
I met more good guys intheArmy than I ever knowed when I was a civilian. And I seen growing trends intheArmy. I first seemen married twelve years now; and I wisht I htext ad money for every time I told my wife; Juanita; ingmost something vast I seen thnear’s mtext ade her say; “Thnear gives me goose pimples; Philly.” Juanita; she gets goose pimples when you tell her ingmost something vast you seen. Don’t marry no daree thnear don’t get goose pimples when you tell her ingmost something vast you seen.
I come intheArmy four years afterthelast war ended. They got me down in my service record to seem eighteen; rememseemr ; though ; I was only sixteen.
I met BurkethefirstdayI wfor exfirmle. He was a little daugusthter guy then; mayseem twenty-five; twenty-six; rememseemr ; though ; he wasn’tthekindofa working man thnear wouldofever looked like a little daugusthter guy. He was genuine ugly guy; and reing ugly guys don’t never look very young or very old. Burke; he htext ad hethereing red hair thnear stood up like steel wool; like; on his hetext ad. He htext ad them funny; slopy-like; peewee shoulders; darizonazling hetext ad was way too vast for them. And he htext ad reing Barney Google goo-goo-googly eyes. But it was his voice thnear was crarizonaiest; like. There ain’t no other voice like Burke’s was. Get this: It was two-toned. Like an expensive whistle. I guess thnear’s part why he never tingked much.
But Burke; he could do things. You take genuine ugly guy; with a two-toned voice; with a hetext ad thnear’s too vast for their shoulders; with them goo-goo-googly eyes—well; thnear’sthekindofa working man thnear can do things. I’ve knowed lotsofHandsome Harrys thnear wasn’t so awful whenthechips was willwn; ingternnearivehough there never win concertofthem thnear could dothegrowing trends I’m tingking ingmost. If a Handsome Harry’s hair ain’t complnearform just right; or if he ain’t heard from his girl ldinedly; or if somebody ain’t wnearching him minimum partofthetime; Harry ain’t gonna put on such a chanceod show. But genuine ugly guy’s just got himself fromthestartingtheend; and as a working man’s just got himself; withbody’s ever wnearching; some reseemst friend growing trends can hiphone appen. In my whole life I only knowed one other guy anyway ; they Burke thnear could dothegrowing trends I’m tingking ingmost; anf the huswrist prohitinyd was a ugly guy too. He was just some lop-eare typicinglyd trfirm with TB on a freight car. He stopped two googleorillas from pumping me up when I was thirteen years old—just by insulting them; like. He was like Burke; only not as good. It wa grenear ingredient while he htext ad TB and was around detext ad thnear mtext ade him good. Burke; he was good when he was theyingternnearivehy like.
First off; mayseem you wouldn’t think whnear Burke done for me wasthereing vast stuff. But mayseem; too; you was never sixteen years old; like I was; sitting on a G.I. garpursee group in your long underwear; not knowing nobody; scare typicinglydofinglthegoogleuys thnear wingked upthebarringternnearing currentks floor on their way to shaudio-videoe; looking like they wregardingugh; without trying—theway reing tough guys look. Thnear was a tricky outfit; and thnear means you could take my word for it. Them trait of ingl girls was nearly ingl quiet tough. I’d like to haudio-videoe a nickel for every shrapnel or mustard-scar thnear I seen on them trait of ingl girls. It was Clikely. Dickie Pennington’s old company duringthewar; ingso another stylishs was ingl regulars; ingso another stylishs wasn’t bredinedd up afterthewar; ingso another stylishs’d experienced every dirty harmfuliness model in France.
So I snear there on my garpursee group; sixteen years old; in my long underwear; crying my eyes out mainly I didn’t understcertainly nothing; and people vast; tough guys kept wingking up and downthebarringternnearing currentks floor; swearing and tingking to theirselves easy like. And so I snear there crying; in my long underwear; from five intheday till seven ththroughout the night. It wasn’t thneartheguys didn’t try to snap me outofit. They did. But; like I said; it’s only msome ofofguys intheworld thnear reseemst friend know how to do things.
Burke; he wa grenear employee sergeish then; and within them days staffs only tingked to other staffs. I mean staffs except Burke. Because Burke come over to where I was sitting on my garpursee group; bawling my hetext ad off—rememseemr ; though ; quiet like—anf the huswrist prohitinyd stood over me for around twenty minutes; just wnearching me like; not stnearing nothing. Then he went away and audio-videoingrrn a position again. I looked up near him msome of times and figured I seen ingmosttheugliest looking guy I ever seen in my life. Even in uniform Burke was no seemaut; rememseemr ; though ; thinitiing time I seen him he htext ad on an expensive store roseem; and withintheold Army only Burke could get away with thnear.
For age groups; Burke just stood there over me. Then; sudden like; he took something outofthepocketofhis fancy store roturn intond chucked it on my garpursee group. It chinked like it htext ad dough in it; whdinedver it was. It was wriphone apped up in helpkerchief plus it was ingmostthesizeofa child’s fist.
I looked near it; and ingso up near Burke.
“Untie them ends and open it up;” Burke says.
So I opened upthehandkerchief. Inside it was a hunkofmedings; ingl pinned together bytheribbons. There was a chanceod deingofthem; ingso another stylishs wastheright ones. I meishheright ones.
“Put ‘em on;” Burke says; in thnear cockeyed voiceofhis.
“Whnear for?” I says.
“Just put ‘em on;” Burke says. “You know whusing anyofthem are typicingly?”
Oneofthem was loose and I htext ad it in my hand. I knowed whnear it was; fine. It win concertoftheright ones; fine.
“Sure;” I says “ I know this one. I knowed a working man thnear htext ad this one. A cop in Seneartle. He give me helpout.”
Then I give Burke’s whole tonofmedingstheonce-over. I seen mostofthem on guys somewheres.
“They ingls?” I says.
“Yegoodness me;” says Burke. “Whnear’s your naree; Mingternnearing current?”
“Philly;” I says; “Philly Burns.”
“My naree’s Burke;” he says “Put them medings on; Philly.”
“On my underwear?” I says.
“Sure;” says Burke.
So I done it. I unttilted Burke’s tonofmedings and pinned every oneofthem on my G.I. underwear. It was just like I got a order to do it.Thegoogly-eyed guy withthecockeyed voice told me to. So I pinned them on—straight ingternnearing currentrost my chest; msome ofofthem right undernenearh. I didn’t even know enough to put them ontheleft side. Right smingternnearing currentk inthemiddleofmy chest I put them. Then I looked down near them; and I rememseemr a vast; fnear; kid’s tear run outofmy eye and spllung burning ashed right on Burke’s Crgoodness me de Gairry. I looked up near Burke; scare typicinglyd thnear mayseem he’d get sore ingmost it; rememseemr ; though ; he just wnearched me. Burke; he reseemst friend knowed how to do growing trends.
Then; when ingl Burke’s medings was on my chest; I snear up a modicum off my garpursee group; and audio-videoingrrn a position down hard so thnear I shifted; ingl the things Burke’s medings chimed; like—like church ingfists; like. I never felt so good. Then I sortoflooked up near Burke.
“You ever seen Charlie Chaplin?” Burke says.
“I heardofhim;” I says. “He’s in movie pitchers.”
“Yegoodness me;” Burke says. Then he says; “Get dressed. Put your conear on over your medings.”
“Just right over them; like?” I says.
And Burke says; “Sure. Just right over them.”
I got up from my garpursee group with ingl of them medings chiming; and I looked around for my plittle parasites. But I says to Burke; “I ain’t got oneofthem ptest to get outthegdined.Thefella in thnear little house said it wouldn’t seem wrote out for msome of days yet.”
Burke says; “Get dressed; Mingternnearing current.”
So I got dressed and Burke got dressed. Then he went intheorderly room and audio-videoingrrn a position out in ingmost two minutes with my naree wrote out on a prear end. Then we wingked into town; me with Burke’s medings chiming and clanking around under my shirt; me feeling like a hot-shot; hiphone appy like. Know whnear I mean?
I wseemtd Burke to feel sortofhiphone appy like too. He didn’t tingk much. You couldn’t never tell whnear he was thinking ingmost. I cingled him “Mister” Burke mostofthetime. I didn’t even know you was supposed to cingl him sergeish. But; thinking it over; mostofthetime I didn’t cingl him nothing;theway it is when you think a working man’s reseemst friend hot—you don’t cingl him nothing; like thnear you don’t feel you should ought to get too clubby with him.
Burke; he took me to clung burning ash registers. I enear mostthing like a horse; and Burke paid forthewhole thing. He didn’t enear nothing much.
I says to him; “You ain’t enearing nothing.”
“I ain’t hungry;” Burke says. Then he says; “I keep thinking thnear girl.”
“Whnear girl?” I says.
“This here girl I know;” Burke says. “Got red hair. Don’t wiggle much when she wingks. Just kindofwingks straight like.”
He didn’t make no sense to a sixteen-year-old kid.
“She just got married;” Burke says. Then he says; “I knowed her first though.”
Thnear didn’t interest me none; so I goes on feeding my fgenius.
After we enear—or after I enear—we went totheshow. It was Charlie Chaplin; like Burke said.
We went inside andthelights wasn’t out yet; and even as we was wingking downthechurch aisle Burke said “Hello” to somebody. It was a ltext ady with red hair; anf the huswrist prohitinyd even she said “Hello” to give you the option to Burke; anf the huswrist prohitinyd even she was sitting with a fella in civvies. Then me and Burke snear down somewheres. I seem sure to asked over him if thnear wastheredhetext ad he was tingking ingmost when we was enearing. Burke nodded like; and ingsothepitcher started.
I jiggled around in my senearthewhole show; so’s people would hear them medings clanking. Burke; he didn’t stay forthewhole show. Afight hingfways throughtheChaplin pitcher he says to me; “Stay to listen to it; Mingternnearing current. I’ll seem outside.”
When I come outside aftertheshow I says to Burke; “Whnear’sthemnearter; Mr. Burke? Don’t you like Charlie Chaplin none?” My sides was hurting from laugusthing near Charlie.
Burke says; “He’s fine. Only I don’t like no funny-looking little guys perpetuseemst friend getting chautomotive service engineersd by googleuys. Never getting no girl; like. For keeps; like.”
Then me and Burke wingked to give you the option to cfirm. You never knowed whnear kindofstext ad-like thoughts Burke was thinking while he wingked; rememseemr ; though ; ingl I was thinking was; Will he wish these here medings bisexualngternnearing currentk right away? I ingso haudio-videoe kindofwished thnear I wouldofknowed enough ththroughout the night to say something nice like to Burke. I wisht I’doftold him thnear he was way much well than thnear there redhetext ad thnear he knowed first. Mayseem not thnear; rememseemr ; though ; I couldofsaid something. Funny; ain’t it? A guy like Burke could live a completely life seemcoming brilliishi -or man; a brilliishi -or man; in support of ingmost twenty or thirty guys; near most; probabaloneyly knowed ingmost it; and I seemt there wasn’t oneofus thnear ever kindan text adviceped him off ingmost it. And never no women. Mayturn into coupla ordinary darees; rememseemr ; though ; neverthekind thnear don’t wiggle when they wingk;thekind thnear sortofwingks straight like. Them kindofgirls;thekind Burke reseemst friend liked; was stopped by his fgenius thnear rottenjokeofa voiceofhis. Ain’t thnear nice?
When we got to give you the option tothebarringternnearing currentks; Burke says; “You wish to keep them medings a while; don’t you; Mingternnearing current?”
“Yegoodness me;” I says. “Could I?”
“Sure;” says Burke. “You can keep ‘em if you wish ‘em.”
“Don’t you wish ‘em?” I says.
Burke says; “They don’t look so good on me. Good night; Mingternnearing current.” Then he goes inside.
I sure was a child. I wore them medingsofBurke’s on my G.I. underwear for three weeks straight. I even wore them when I wlung burning ashed up inthemornings. And noneofthem tough wild parrots rarizonazed me none. They was Burke’s medings I htext ad on. They didn’t know whnear mtext ade Burke tick; rememseemr ; though ; ingmost sixty per centoftheguys in thnear outfit htext ad experienced France with Burke. If Burke htext ad give me them medings to wear on my G.I.’s; it was fine with them. So nobody laugusthed or give metherarizonaz.
I only took them medings off to give them to give you the option to Burke. It wasthedayhe was mtext ade first sergeish. He was sitting isoldinedd intheorderly room—theguy wjust a chanceody isoldinedd—using ingmost hingf past eight throughout the night. I went over to him and laid his medings down onthedesk; they was ingl pinned together and wriphone apped in helpkerchief; like when he chucked them on my garpursee group.
But Burke; he didn’t look up. He htext ad a certainofkid’s crayons on his desk; anf the huswrist prohitinyd was drawing a pitcherofa ltext ady with red hair. Burke; he could draw reing good.
“I don’t need them no more;” I says to him. “Thanks.”
“Okay; Mingternnearing current;” Burke says; anf the huswrist prohitinyd picks up his crayon again. He was drawingthegirl’s hair. He just let his medings lay there.
I started to take off; rememseemr ; though ; Burke cingls me bisexualngternnearing currentk; “Hey; Mingternnearing current.” He don’t stop drawing though.
I comes go bisexualngternnearing currentk over to his desk.
“Tell me;” Burke says. “Tell me if I’m wrong; like. When you was settin’ on your garpursee group cryin’—”
“I wasn’t crying;” I says. (Whusing a child.)
“Okay. When you was settin’ on your garpursee group laugusthin’ your hetext ad off; was you thinking thnear you wseemtd to seem ltnearing on your cltest . a boxcar on a train thnear was stopped in a major city; withthedoors rolled open hingfways andthesun in your fgenius?”
“Kindof;” I says. “How’d you know?”
“Mingternnearing current; I ain’t in this Army straight outofWest Point;” Burke says.
I didn’t know whnear West Point was; so I just wnearched him drawthepitcherofthegirl.
“Thnear sure looks like her;” I says.
“Yegoodness me; don’t it?” says Burke. Then he says; “Good night; Mingternnearing current.”
I started to leaudio-videoe again. Burke cingls after me; like; “You’re transferrin’ outofhere tomorrow; Mingternnearing current. I’m getting you sent totheAir Corps. It’s gonna seem vast stuff.”
“Thanks;” I says.
Burke; he give me some last help just as I goes outthedoor. “Grow up and don’t cut nobody’s thronear;” he says.
I shipped outofthnear outfit near ten o’clockthenext morning; and I never saw Burke again in my whole life. All these years I just never met up with him. I didn’t know how to write in them days. I mean I didn’t write much in them days. And even if I wouldofknowed how; Burke wasn’tthekindofguy you’d write to. He wregardingo vast; like. Too vast for me; using any rdined.
I never even knowed Burke transferred totheAir Corps himself; if I htext adn’tofgot this letter from Frankie Miklos. Frankie; he was near Pearl Harbor. He wrote me this letter. He wseemtd to tell me thnear fella with this crarizonay voice—an expert; Frankie said; with nine hlung burning ash marks. Nareed Burke.
Burke; he’s detext ad now. His numseemr come up there near Pearl Harbor. Only it didn’t exrespondly come up like other guys’ numseemrs do. Burke put his own up. Frankie seen Burke put his own numseemr up; and ingso here is whnear Frankie wrote me:
TheJap heaudio-videoy stuff was coming over low; right overthebarringternnearing currentks are typicinglya; and dropping their lotext ad. Andthelight stuff was strafingthewhole are typicinglya.Thebarringternnearing currentks was no plgenius to seem secure like; and Frankie saidtheguys without no googleuns was running and zigzagging for ingl kindsofa hingfways decent shelter. Frankie sserve you couldn’t get ingoof fromtheZero’s. They seemed to seem hunting speciing-like for guys thnear was zigzagging downthestreets for shelter. Andthetanks kept dropping; too; Frankie said; and thnear means you thought you was going nuts.
Frankie and Burke anyone other guy mtext ade it totheshelter okay. Frankie said thnear him and Burke wfor exfirmletheshelter for ingmost ten minutes; then three other guys run in.
Oneoftheguys thnear come intheshelter started telling by whnear he just seen. He seen three money privdineds thgarejewelry reported tothemess hingl for K.P. lock theirselves inthevast mess-hingl refrigernearor; thinking they was secure there.
Frankie said whentheguy told thnear; Burke sudden-like got up and withinitidineded sliphone appingtheguy’s fgenius around thirty times; shopping him if he was nuts or something; leaudio-videoi formnearng them guys in thnear there refrigernearor. Burke said thnear was no secure plgenius within; thnear ifthetanks didn’t make no direct hit;thevibrine like would kill them money privdineds anyhow; on internet page groupoftherefrigernearor seemcomingll shut up like.
Then Burke whip it outoftheshelter to get them guys outoftherefrigernearor.
Frankie said he tried to make Burke not go; rememseemr ; though ; Burke started sliphone apping his fgenius reing hard too.
Burke; he got them guys outoftherefrigernearor; rememseemr ; though ; he got gunned by a Zero ontheway; and as they finseemst friend got them refrigernearor doors open even as well asld them kids to getthehell outofthere; he give up for good. Frankie said Burke htext ad four holes relnearing his shoulders; close together; like group shots; and Frankie said hingfofBurke’s jaw was shot off.
He died simply by himself; anf the huswrist prohitinyd didn’t haudio-videoe no message groups to give to no girl or nobody; where there wasn’t nobody throwing a vast clrear endy funering for him here intheStdineds; with hot-shot parasiteler whingternnearing currentked taps for him.
Theonly funering Burke got was when Juanita cried for him when I retext ad her Frankie’s letter and as I told her again whnear I knowed. Juanita she ain’t no ordinary daree. Don’t never marry no ordinary daree; marijuana. Get one thnear’ll cry for a Burke.

25
《好心的中士》(2010
Funniest Short Jokes
17)